I put my boots on and trudged through the new snow out to the barn to fax a 137 paged document to my mortgage company…. yet again.

As the cogs in the fax machine began to squeak I stood in Wade’s sacrificial office, which is the antithesis of mine, playing with the smoke that was emitting from my mouth and nose. For me he built a beautiful office, inside the house, with a huge window facing South and situated directly next to the kitchen so I can jut in and out preparing meals and writing all in the same breath.

His office, on the other hand, is located in our dark, unheated barn. Upon entering I averted my eyes from the meat hook that hung menacingly from the ceiling and obliterated thoughts of Wade’s sardonic threats to hang me there as a trophy if I continued to push his buttons.

As I swirled round and round in his office chair waiting for the fax to be completed, I suddenly felt the hair prickle up on my neck. I wasn’t alone. My adrenaline pumped through my body and my heart thumped so loud I thought it would abruptly stop.

I closed my eyes and took a deep breath, “Hello”, I said.

I had communicated with him many times before, but had never actually felt his presence.

“I knew that you would show up sooner or later”.

I felt a slight warm breeze on my neck and my heart got ready to take flight out of my chest. He was directly behind me, enveloping my being with his presence. My impulse to run out of the barn into the blinding white snowstorm was hard to resist but I had been waiting for this moment for so long and I was melting in his presence, unable to resist him.

Closing my eyes again I waited for his words, which always resonated from deep within me.

“So, why aren’t you scared anymore?”he asked.

“I guess I have grown to trust you”, I responded.

“Why do you feel the need to beat me up when you are sending me a message”, I asked and closed my eyes for the response.

“Because you are stubborn and it is the only way I know to get my message across to you”.

“I am never certain that it really is you sending the message or just my conscience”, I told him.

“Precisely my point”.

“Can you tell me something?” “Can you tell me who you are and why you have chosen me to guide and protect?”

“You already know who I am”

“Yes, but do I really? I have so many questions to ask you but am afraid to hear the truth.”

“Jillian, you already know all the answers. You just have to believe in yourself and in me”.

“Can I see you at least?”

“We have been together many times before, in your dreams”.

“I love you, you know”, I said

“Yes, I know”, he replied.

“Jillian, there is something important that I have to tell you before I go.”

“Are you sure I’m ready for it?” “I mean, maybe I am not cut out for this and am better remaining innocent”

“Jillian, you are not like the rest.”

Just at that moment the door opened and Wade blew in from the cold outdoors. He glanced over at the fax machine and back to my face assuming my paleness was from our financial stress.

I told him that I was waiting for him to save me from myself as he always has done and always will do for me.

I came out of the barn needing to feel the ground beneath my feet. Slowly, slowly I walked back to the house.

The other night Axel’s
tooth fell out, or rather, Wade yanked it out as usual. This family is not for
the weak hearted. When the children hurt themselves they scream louder when
they see their Daddy approaching. Both Wade and his father have the ability to
handle pain and they expect the same tolerance from their wives and their
offspring

I was so tired that night but forced myself to place the tooth under Axel’s pillow before I fell
asleep. I was up late quietly writing on my computer when I heard a soft,
velvety whoosh outside my door. The hair rose on the back of my neck and I
shuttered at the thought of what it might be. As I very quietly climbed the
stairs I laughed at myself for believing in the impossible. Living with children
had really gotten to my head. Before I reached the top something small and
irredescent flashed by me. Standing there frozen my suspicions were confirmed.
Unable to breathe I stood awash in her colors as she fluttered her wings
hovering in the entrance of each of the boys’ room looking for Axel. She would
remain motionless, all but her wings, and then suddenly dart to the
next room.

Finding Axel she softly
landed on the carpet and there she rose to full height smiling as she watched
him sleeping. I watched her as she extended her long thin fingers to search for
the tooth under the pillow. Axel’s head must have been right on it because she
seemed to have difficulties reaching it. She carefully picked up a corner of
the pillow and slipped a present underneath. At that moment she startled and
suddenly her face was directly in front of mine looking into my eyes with the most beautiful emerald green eyes I had ever seen. We
stared at each other for what seemed like eternity and than she shot out of
the room and down the stairs. I never saw her again but
she had left a thimble full of fairy dust on my pajamas.

The next day Axel
excitedly flew down the stairs with a paddle racket with a ball attached.
Brevitt exclaimed how cool it was that the tooth fairy brought gifts from his
favorite company ZooYork. He realized later that the letters were NY not ZY but
still thought she must be the coolest fairy ever. Axel was surprised that she
didn’t take his tooth but I couldn’t explain to him that I knew the reason why.
I knew that if I told them I saw the tooth fairy they would never be able to
sleep the next time they lost a tooth.

Seeing the tooth fairy
has changed my perspective on the world. I can’t go outside at night anymore or
enter a forest without knowing that I am not alone. I keep listening intently
in the hopes of hearing the sound of her fluttering wings again and I look for
her everywhere.

I hope that she did not
get punished for being seen by a human. If I could say something to her I would
thank her for confirming my belief in magic and for giving me the ability to
see that there is so much more to life than I had ever imagined.