Tucker stayed home with me yesterday. What is it about children that they fall on the days that their mother is planning to take off? I mean really, where’s the sense of humor in that?

When I realized that my most needed day of recovery from my treacherous week was not going to happen I looked up to the Universe and had a little conversation to anybody who would listen, “I really want to know, I’m being serious now, did I do something terribly wrong in my previous life or even in this life that I am unaware of?

Oh I know, I shouldn’t have left Tucker in the car that one time he was sleeping.  The time I raced in to get a Chai Tea from Starbucks which I knew I shouldn’t have been spending my money on in the first place but was feeling rebellious and when I came out of the store with my frothy, delicious cup of decadence I was met by a fleet of policemen with lots of questions. Upon reflection, I admit that I let my selfish desire to pamper myself get the best of me but didn’t I learn my lesson?”

“Oh..wait, I remember now, it must have been the time that I backed into the parked car forgetting as always about my huge bike rack, that wasn’t good that I  crashed and dashed, was it? Anyway, I was certain that the dent had been there for years and I couldn’t have possibly been the one who was responsible for it.”

I never did get any answers and so I changed my mindset and spent the day jumping on top of Tucker, staring into his incredibly luminous eyes and dark lashes  and making him giggle. When we weren’t rolling around together I resumed  to  the multitude of phone calls I had to make to desperately try to avoid plunging further into debt.

When I received the email that I was invited to go away for a weekend of indulgence with my good friends I bent over and slammed my head against my desk a few times arising with tears of frustration.

I wrote an email that made me feel slightly better and pressed send:

I have reached the dark and diaphanous pit of my bank account, and have no money to join you this weekend. ZILCH, NADA, flat out broke like a kinda gimme, buy me , do me kinda broke. I got no bling. I got nothin’ to offer.

Although, spending a weekend with you and yours; spaaing it up, reading,  hiking/running and consuming major amounts of alcohol sounds over the top appealing, I shall have to pass it by and drown at home…alone… in my sorrows.

Every month bankruptsy hovers over us and  I contemplate selling a child to pay our mortgage. It gets more and more difficult to remain positive and I have nothing left to fall back on.

Just as I swore that I would never be one of those moms who talked about bowel movements, I also swore that I would never let money come in between Wade and my relationship. But life is not black and white and Wade and I are struggling to hang on to each other and everything that we are responsible for. It was far easier to control conversations about babies than it is to control our spiraling finances.

On the bad days I think about how the best way to save money would be to take Tucker out of pre-school. If that happens I cannot possibly write with Tucker at my heels. If I lose my freedom to write than I will most likely lose my sanity and if I lose my sanity than I will lose Wade and if I lose Wade than I will lose Brevitt and Axel who will blame me for everything and if I lose my children than you may as well shove me into a box with a huge weight on it and throw it overboard.

Sometimes I cannot believe how numb I have become to all the negativity that I am confronted with month to month and sometimes I spend my time driving with blurred vision as the tears role down my face. I know that we are not alone in our struggle, everywhere I turn I witness other families struggling and I cry for them as well.

Other times I look at the way the light hits the Autumnal wild grass turning it a beautiful and earthy shade of gold and I marvel at the low lying clouds hugging the mountains in their soft embrace and I get filled with an intense happiness. I still have my husband, my children, my mother, my sister’s, my friends and all of our health. I live in a beautiful place, I can rely upon nature to be my Prozac and I have a good sense of humor that I can call upon at any moment to help me through the tough times.

So pfffft, just ignore me, I’m fine actually. It’s just that my friends have told me that I should write a little more about the adversity in my life and not sound so goddamn happy all the time. So there it is. Do with it what you may!