“She never loved me,” Savannah sadly said to me as we walked through the field of wildflowers. “She would kiss my brothers good night in the rooms next to mine and as I heard her voice reading to them I  imagined her caressing their hair. When she finished she would pass right by my door saying good night as she went by. I would cry out to her, ‘Mama, kiss me and love me too,’ but she never came in and I would fall asleep to the deepest pain, a pain that would never heal.”

Ever since I met Savannah I knew that behind her effervescent facade there was a deep loneliness. She was beautiful in a classic, Audrey Hepburn sort of way with great style, thick glossy black hair, mischievous brown eyes and long, thin, shapely legs. Her energy was magnetic and she lived to make the world smile. But her destiny, given to her by her mother, was to live a life searching for the love that she was robbed of as a little girl.

As Axel lay sobbing in bed his pain became my own and I worried about the life wounds I was inflicting upon him. He is a lot like his father, my Axel, quietly absorbing his pain until he can no longer. He is wise like the elephants he adores and he is able to express his sadness in a way that I can understand, learn and change from.  “I feel like you don’t love me,” he cried. “You put me in camp all day just so that you can get rid of me. You’re always tired, always mad, always working. When I try to help you all you see is the mess I make. When I make my invention that everybody is impressed by, you scold me for breaking a toy that Grandpa gave me. I feel like I’m living with an Ogre.”

Savannah’s anguish resonated deeply within me and even though Axel had closed up to me and was trying to push me away I embraced him in a hug and held on to him until he calmed down reassuring him that he, his brothers and his father were my sun, my stars and my moon. I explained to him that sometimes the external environment was what caused me to be that Ogre and that I would listen to his eternally wise words and remember to not let the weight of the world enter our house any longer. I also told him that it would really help if he didn’t make such a complete mess wherever he went in the house. Brevitt walked into the room, “Axel, cry into your pillow, you’re so loud and Mommy, you can’t both cry,” he said with his gorgeous smile. “But Axel’s right, I am an Ogre,” I replied in tears.

As Axel’s sobs quieted into silent tears I sang to him my favorite song, “Everything’s Alright,” from the play Jesus Christ Superstar and as he fell asleep I hoped that loving him so completely would indeed make everything alright.

The next day the boys had a lot of play with my new nickname and we laughed all day on our road to recovery. After Lacrosse practice Axel got into the car with the rain pouring outside and I couldn’t help staring at my beautiful boy with his long hair swept to the side to stay out of his eyes, his big, gapped teeth, long eyelashes, smiling eyes and incredibly knowing smile. I apologized to him for my behavior the day before and  as he balanced his body like an angel on top of the seat he said, “You know Mama, when you’re mad, you get really mean and you sound like this, “Axxxxellll, you didn’t ussssssssssse the sssssssssssssssssssplattmat!”

I couldn’t help but laugh at his interpretation of his now Medusa mother. I guess I transform into different monsters depending on the moment. I can thank my father for handing down to me all of these wonderful traits but the reality is that I must not place all the blame on my genes and I must take some responsibility for the pain I cause to both myself and my children when I am bad. I need to always remember my friend Savannah and know that we are all fragile and need love and if I am feeling like an Ogre or Medusa or that little girl with the little curl in the middle of her forehead than I need to listen to my children and learn how to stay good when I’m very, very good and quiet when I am feeling the urge to be horrid.

Photo Courtesy of Cathy Miller

After a weekend at The Viceroy Hotel it is to be expected that I would experience some sort of emotional let down when I returned home and what could be better to lift the spirits than driving eight hours in one day to pick up our new puppy, Muki? I’ll tell you in a nanosecond!

Enter Muki, a fifteen week old white fur ball with paws as soft and cushy as sea sponge, chocolate markings and green eyes that my nephew Devon says resemble the inside of a blueberry. She is intelligent, sweet and lives to please and we can tell that if we put our time and effort into it she will be an easy study but there is one enormous psychologically draining glitch that we did not anticipate, Muki appears to be a “Velcro” dog. Ask me how I skipped that description on the Spanish Water Dog website? I went back to read all of the information at 2:00am when I couldn’t sleep because I was so distraught that Muki had no desire to bond with anybody but me, and the absolute last thing I need is another attachment, and this is what I read:

“Spanish Water Dogs are very intelligent, faithful, energetic and happy dogs.  Sometimes they are known as “velcro” dogs and usually stick very close to their owners.”

Note to self: When doing research don’t get blind-sided by words like “intelligent” and read more thoroughly.

After three days I called the breeder in a panic telling them of Muki’s behavior, “She completely ignores the boys, growls and runs away from Wade whenever he comes into the room, and ferociously barks and lunges after other dogs when on walks,” I said choking back my tears.

When I called my mother and told her that I had asked what their return policy was, she said that I sounded like that woman who sent her son on a one-way flight back to Moscow with a note saying he was violent and had severe psychological problems.

My mother, always bringing light and humor to my anxiety, suggested that we get another puppy, one for the kids and one for me. She also told me to let the puppy sleep in the bed with the boys for the bonding. Problems solved! I said, “Just as I will always be like you, spontaneous, optimistic and often impulsive, Muki will always be like her mother, on the extreme side of shy and nervous and a one person dog,” character traits that were revealed to me the day before she was flying to us.

On Thursday I decided that it would be a good idea to leave the family alone with Muki for a short period of time and so I hopped on my bike and took off. Twenty minutes into the ride Brevitt called me sobbing so hard that I could barely understand what he was saying. He had been working so hard with Muki in these past few days, they all had, showering her with gentle love, feeding her, walking her on the leash, trying to train her and play with her but she was not responding.

I told Brevitt to listen to what I had to say and when I finished I asked him to repeat to me what resonated with him most, “you said something about a dog whisperer and that because I am like a dog I should practice being the Alpha-leader and that I need to calm down and drink some water,” he said between sobs.

There is no question that our family is receiving valuable lessons as we work through this extremely emotional time and I firmly believe that this dog has come into our lives for a reason. Brevitt is showing me perseverance: 

Axel understanding:

and Tucker acceptance: Photo Courtesy of Cathy Miller

As for Wade? He is once again showing his true colors. Where any other husband would turn his back and say, “I told you so,” Wade is convincing me, as Muki bares her teeth at him, that we cannot give up so quickly and that we have to try and make it work.

Each day brings progress and greater insight into our family as a whole and I am hoping that I will not forever rue the day that I chose to pick up Muki without bringing the boys.

In the meantime, we will, “explore the deeper dimensions present in a relationship with a dog,” as stated in the highly recommended book, “Raising Your Dog with the Monks of New Skete,” and do our best to create a family bond with Muki and to detach the prongs that cling her to me so aggressively.

My mother and I were dying to see a movie and although I thought that Pulp Fiction was a brilliant film, I was not in the mood for the violence in Quentin Tarantino’s Inglourious Basterds. Instead we went to see The Time Traveler’s Wife.

Time is something that I have not been able to grasp onto lately. The children are growing like weeds and even though I long ago gave up on trying to get the recommended eight hours of restorative sleep, I still do not have enough time in my day to accomplish everything I would like to.

Wasn’t it just yesterday that I wrote about joining Eric Bullock’s boot camp and now tomorrow is my last day. I did it! I got up at 4:45am and went to boot camp five days a week for one month. Ok, maybe I missed one day but that was just because I broke my toe the day before. My new strength got the best of me as I zealously tried to make a goal while playing football barefoot with the boys, minor setback.

So what can I report from my experience? Well, I know that my family enjoys my elevated mood level as do I and I am loving my new strength. My daily tasks have gotten so much easier for me and I am less tired.

As I ran through the ranch fields the other day I felt as though I could have run forever with the morning sun warming up my body. I listened to the song “Hallelujah”, by Rufus Wainwright, and tears came to my eyes. Life was good.

Yoga helps me to recharge my spirituality and brings peace to my hectic life but I have enjoyed mixing my training up a bit with the daily strength and conditioning classes. I have learned that through a healthy diet and proper cross training I am much more tolerant and present with my children.

Just the other day I took Axel and Tucker to our favorite park that looks like the field in  the PBS show Teletubbies. We played football and explored the man made tunnels for hours.

As we sat in the middle of a tunnel Tucker asked if we were really in Teletubby world and Axel and I smiled at each other with our  secret. I suddenly felt sad that I had wasted so many precious moments with my boys by being too fed up and tired to play with them. I happily soaked up their love.

As my last week of boot camp comes to an end I wonder if I will miss this new schedule of waking up before the crack of dawn.  I have no doubt that I will enjoy the extra sleep but I will most definitely miss the consistent training.

It has been very rewarding for me to mix up my life a bit and commit to a goal and now I feel prepared to take it to the next level. I am excited to see where all of this will take me and I look forward to letting you in on all the secrets…except for the photos.