I may not go out much any more but I sure do have fun when I am in a dream state. The only problem is that I dream that Wade is also having tons of fun. He is consistently  lecherous, doesn’t love me any more and smugly tells me about all of his conquests. It is ironic that I create this world because he is so loyal and true to me in real life. He endures all of my moods and is the only one who can make me laugh at myself when my hair is Medusa style and I am ready to blow up the world. When I wake up mad at him he knows right away that he is in trouble. “Dam”, he exclaims “it’s so not fair that I am such a philanderer and I am not even privy to it.”

So what is my problem? I guess I’m deeply insecure and should see a shrink but have no money and definitely no time.

My dreams can be so disturbing that they wake me up. The last time this happened I dreamt that Wade and I went to a beach in the early evening with a group of young surfers in a place similar to Sayulita, Mexico. We sat down in the warm tropical breeze and watched the huge beautiful waves. We were partying and having fun.

Suddenly, I was in the trickest bar in the world, walking alone through rooms that were open to the outside tropics. Each room had a different theme with great music and drinks to match. The first room was sexy and all black with purple lights and I was wearing a white mesh t-shirt with white boot legged jeans. Outside were stone steps that climbed down to the sea and people were sitting everywhere dangling their feet in the warm water and laughing. I began flirting with some Argentine boys. They liked me and wanted me to go off with them. My chief admirer was gorgeous but he had a really long mullet. He wanted to know if I liked him and I told him “yeah, all but the mullet.” I hurt his feelings so badly that there was no returning and he faded out.

Wade faded in and came up from the beach with his buddies. In my dreams Wade is always so cute and the life of the party. A very drunk, small, dark eyed, dark haired, mysterious Argentine girl came in behind him. She was not beautiful but magnetizing with an amazing body. She was wearing a thin tight fitting t-shirt and a big wide belt. Her jet black hair was tied back in a pony tail with a wide headband. She came up from behind Wade, wrapped her arms around him and told him she loved him. He looked back and smiled. I jumped up to defend what was mine telling her that he loved me and than I picked her up from her armpits and threw her out of the window. Her male friends were hanging out at the bottom of the fire escape and they thankfully caught her. I walked inside, slightly embarrassed, and felt Wade’s eyes piercing into me. In a flash an Argentine menacingly approached me with a fork and put it under my eye. He told me that the girl was his friend and demanded to know why I threw her out of the window? “Lo ciento, perdonna me”, I pleaded, “she was trying to take my Wade away from me. He is my love”. I feel like crying just writing about it months later.

In my next dream Wade informed me that he had met somebody else. I asked him if anything had happened. He told me that she wouldn’t let him do anything because he was married and he thought that was bogus. He went on to tell me that he called and called her and when there was no response, he went over to her house. She was sick but still climbed on top of him. I told him that I was going to divorce him and that he would not get any of my Madoff money. I kept telling myself that I was dreaming, that Wade would not do that to me. I woke up and realized that it was not a dream. How could I ever trust men again?

I was now in Nantucket and couldn’t find the restaurant where my family was waiting for me. I had grown up in Nantucket but was still always lost on the cobblestone streets in the fog. I walked down the stairs to the restaurant and all my friends were there. I was miserable, ready to die. Did they all know? My family was sitting at a round table and I sat next to Wade. He acted untainted by my misery. He ignored me and had a big smile on his face because he was now in love with somebody else. When I finally did wake up I wondered if maybe I should stop using my Progesterone cream!

Last night I dreamt that all bloggers gain twenty pounds from sitting at their desks all day writing. I wondered if it was worth it and contemplated giving it up.

My writing is really getting the best of me. I have become obsessive and realize that I have started something that I cannot finish, ever. Poor Wade is not getting any attention at the moment unless I am dreaming. I get exasperated with him that he can’t finish cooking the dinner, clean up and put the boys to bed by himself. What makes things worse is that the boys all want mommy. I am so popular with my family but at the moment don’t desire all the attention. I feel like I am trapped in a William Wharton novel and slipping over to the dream side.

It has been almost three weeks and Wade is finally out of bed. Adding an injured or sick husband to a mother’s already frantic life will push mommy to the edge of the edge. Once again my placement as the youngest girl in my family comes into play. I was not raised to take care of people. I was raised to be the cutest and most adorable charmer and to be taken care of.

I have come to terms with that since I have started my own family. I will break from my past and become a more nurturing person. When Wade and I were first married, he was the most nurturing man. When I was sick he would sit by my side filled with concern and give me massages. When he got sick I put by his bed a glass of water, a magazine and a thermometer and fluttered off for the day. After all, we all know that men either go down harder than woman or were so pampered by their mothers when they were little that they think a sniffle is the end of the world. Either way, I wasn’t buying in to it. I had been sicker than that and still had to cope with my life, out of bed.

He soon hardened to my aches and pains. I realized I had to change and be more loving. My first introduction as a caring nurse was when he fell off of the cliff we lived on while gardening. We kept the truth quiet for as long as possible. He came home with staples in his knee and plunged into deep depression. I wasn’t even feigning concern as I tried to move him outside for some fresh air. After 10 blankets later and many complaints of being to cold, I moved him back inside. Caring was stressful!

This round, my first thought when I was informed that I had to take him to ER was, oh shit here we go! I had just started my web-site and was in the throws of an obsessive state. I did not have time to tend to anybody’s needs at the moment. But I was no longer Nurse Ratched. I massaged his back all night long and slept in a cramped position to keep my “healing hands” on his wound while he slept. I would go to sleep or wake up at 4am. The stairs were my energy release. Up for water and ice pack, down for kids meals, up for pain killers, down to scream at the boys to stop playing football in the house, up to lather on my progesterine cream and say a little prayer to whomever was listening – HELP ME GET THROUGH THIS!!!

Wade improved only to push himself to far and down he went again with muscle spasms in his chest for 48 hours. Not wanting to feel useless he would emerge into the boys room bent over in pain as I was putting them to sleep. I can reeeaaaddd to them (muscle spasm). I would yell at him to take the rest he needed to get better.

It is so good to have him back and laughing at me again without pain expressed all over his face. I am begging him to take it easy and get strong again. Mommy needs a huge break so that I may refuel before the next injury occurs in the family. I don’t think my family agrees with me.